Tuesday, January 5, 2010

and now, we turn to the french.
they smoke so fine.
gainsbourg #1: charlotte

charlotte sings with serge

such a bad lapse today, with very strong cravings and mental weaving and wavering. the one cigarette yesterday opened the door to let that dangerous chink of smoke-infused light through. a new discovery of feeling guilty. i had one cigarette in the morning, with a cup of tea (russian caravan). i sipped and smoked while the plumbers were carting my water tank down the side of the house and maneuvering it into place next to the jacarandah tree, commendably protecting the potato plants from tradesperson harm. then i smoked another one when i got home after seeing the old rosemary bush was pulled out to make way for the tank. but i think i can save it. i look forward to watering my burgeoning vegetables, fruits, herbs and some flowers that i love, garden with my new guilt-free water harvested directly from the sky.

anyway, it was a bad day for the willing. i see now this is a big fight i have on my hands here. very big, and:

"Let's face it, you're losing the one who kept you company throughout the day, got you through those stressful moments, helped you celebrate your triumphs. Yep, you're giving up your best friend."


tuesday january 5
cigarette count: 2


  1. Ah, sorry to hear it...but you know that you are romanticizing it on this blog: the photos of beautiful women smoking, the paeans and tributes to smoking by great writers or intellectuals. You are in love with the idea of yourself as a smoker, my dear, and you are mourning it. I have a literary bent, myself, and I fiercely love the habit, and loved the image of myself with the habit, too. A little bit of sexy, brainy, naughty, cynical, dirty, worldly...Colette, Madame Sand, Simone de Beauvoir...I know, I know...je vous vois.

  2. And Charlotte Gainsbourg is also really nice without a cigarette.

  3. hi smallestforest, i know, i know. i think absolutely i am in mourning. i have never consciously thought in terms of the intellectual, romantic bent though, but i am sure it is there alright.

    i always thought i was more mourning the other parts of why i think i smoke. i will write about that soon, too. but in general, i have this weird idea of just mapping what is going on, and all the threads that weave the smoking mind. i really don;t want to romanticise it so that it seems i am encouraging, egging myself on to smoke, and no one else either! and i definitely don;t want to stamp on the encouragement everyone gives me, which i deeply appreciate, with my romantic images of smoking, but i am really just following my nose...

    and yes, for sure radzimire! i will aim for that image:)

  4. ps - and on a more prosaic note - i seem to have developed a growing - led by anxiety for my own health - obsession with these famous, beautiful smokers dying, due to smoking. eg charlotte's father serge. heart attack? years and years of smoking gitanes. i think this is my flipside undercurrent to the pictures i post that seem/are like a tribute...hmmm.

  5. HI,
    I smoked until I had my first child. Then I started again. Now I'm 6 months into child # 2 and I know I won't smoke again EVER. Quitting when you have a child in you, for me at least, is so indcedibly easy simply because there is no story to attach to the loss (of smoke), no pshcho babble fits, no excuse will ever pass as OKAY when there is a babe to protect.
    Interestingly, when it's just me and my body to protect, I struggle and lose the struggle. I love smoking. I crave now, every now and then, but I'll never do it again because fundamentally it's shit and kills you.

    I've I could only bottle my Unquestioning Unwavering Will that sits across the table from my smoking-self and says "fuck you, idiot ~ I win". If it could be bottled I'd be in the realm of the wealthy.

    So maybe, though I consider not, maybe I can send you some of my will.

    Idiots smoke, even if they're good looking.

    Here's to us all being imperfect, idiotic and wishfully wandering towards some habits new.

    Good luck.


  6. I am so pleased that you're trying to quit Bree! I'm sure recording your experience will be helpful for you and your readers. Do you have a list of treats/rewards and alternatives for yourself? If your smell and taste heightens you can go to town with flower arranging, gelati eating, herb grinding etc.

  7. thank you dear ebony. it has been helpful so far, but i fear my addiction now swings and veers toward the blog... i surely do have a list of treats, generally magazines and books...smell and taste is one thing i have really noticed, it's great, and makes me even more energised to cook. pity i am work all day though - could be cooking up a storm otherwise:)

  8. oops, and thank you for your comment D! I really appreciate the good luck, and also the honesty and sharing of stories.